Willfully Oblivious & Morally Bankrupt
by ChrissiHR
Summary: Charlie was happier not noticing things, a trait that drove his ex-wife away. Fortunately, the chief's daughter was not her mother. Bella preferred an oblivious parent and Charlie was happy to oblige, but there were some things he had to try a little harder to ignore. These are those stories. Wolf Pack, AU. Flashfics and drabbles, mostly.
1. Fckin Hipsters, CharlieJacobBella

**Announcements, first! Then, we can play with Charlie and the pack!** Have you joined Tricky Raven yet? Because Tricky Raven recently opened its doors to a BUNCH of fun **new fandoms** in addition to Twilight wolf pack fic! **Marvel** , **DC** , **Supernatural** , **Once Upon a Time** , **Teen Wolf** , **The Originals** , **True Blood** , **The Vampire Diaries** , and **crossovers** , too! The only requirement for crossovers is that ONE HALF of the crossover must be Twilight. AND many of the **Twilight vampires are now allowed on Tricky Raven, too**! And our annual Halloween contest is coming soon!

Want to join Tricky Raven? Are you over 18? Do you read or write fanfiction? Check out the link on my profile page and go sign up! Be sure to mention my name, ChrissiHR, on the form where it asks how you heard about Tricky Raven. Hope to see you there! *mwah*

On a related note, my writing partner, meliz875, and I are working on a collab called Contact. At present, it can ONLY be found on Tricky Raven. If you'd like to read it as it progresses, you can find the first few chapters posted on Tricky Raven right now. More to come soon!

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Short Fics Series: **Willfully Oblivious & Morally Bankrupt**

Title: **F*ckin' Hipsters**

Fandom: **TwiHW**

Characters/Pairing: **Charlie, Bella/Jacob, the pack**

Rating: **M, because Charlie has a filthy mouth in his head**

Genre: **humor**

Word Count: **500**

Prompt: **fish spankin' pic, JLo's fine ass, apple bourbon**

 **A/N:** _I was pretty drunk when I wrote this first flashfic the other day, but it seemed like an awesome idea halfway through that third apple bourbon hot toddy I made at the time. If an apple a day is good for you, four apple bourbon hot toddies are the nectar of the gods. So sayeth Chrissi. Go getcha some drunk Charlie! Mrow! *claws air like a sassy lioness*_

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Waves licked the edges of Charlie's flat-bottomed oasis on ol' Lake Ozette.

Charlie came out here when he needed to think.

Or pretend not to notice things.

He was happier not noticing things, a trait that drove his ex-wife away. Fortunately, the chief's daughter was not her mother. Bella preferred an oblivious parent and Charlie was happy to oblige.

Because Bella had peculiar tastes. Not peculiar tastes like dying her hair with dry-aged monkey shit and piercing her elbows like one o' them hipsters. More like _peculiar_ tastes. Like dating that Edwin twerp with the piss-yellow eyes and dirty hair.

But they didn't talk about that, Charlie and his baby girl. Nope!

And they didn't talk about what she did when when Bella started spending so much time down to Jacob's garage.

No, indeed.

Charlie did not want to know why all those kids on the rez kept getting picked up for indecent exposure. Runnin' around in the woods barefoot, butt-goddamn-naked, balls swingin' free and wild like horny billy goats all over hellingone.

Some things you just couldn't un-see.

And he didn't care why Clearwater's kid kept flashing him her bare ass every time she bent over in one of those muddy dresses she pretended to wear. Didn't anyone wear good old fashioned panties these days?

Or any panties at all?

And he absolutely _did not_ want to know why he caught young Quil naked in the woods behind his house with that Paul fella. Charlie didn't figure Paul for that kinda guy, to be honest, but … to each his own. Charlie lifted his Vitamin R in salute and drained it.

He saw a flash of white out of the corner of his eye. Nothing to be concerned about, though. After all, it was his idea to bring Bella, Jake, and their friends out here for a camping weekend. Billy slept late, but Charlie was up at dawn as usual, picking his way through a mass of sweaty bodies and naked asses outside his tent, grateful Bella had the good sense god gave little apples to sleep _inside_ her tent, at the very least.

Covered from neck to knees by Jacob, he assumed.

Which is how Charlie found _his_ fine ass out on this boat, cross-eyed drunk, not the least bit concerned when his daughter's lily-white ass peeked through the foliage as a darker, bigger ass wove in and out of the old growth spruce.

Naked tree-tag.

Charlie snorted. Still not the weirdest thing he'd _not_ noticed lately.

Not that he wanted to dwell, but he couldn't help but wonder, just a little … what the thirty yards of paracord strung all over Bella's headboard and the thawed fish on her nightstand had to do with their sudden interest in native nudism. Not that Charlie cared. No, no… He'd never pry, but that fish… Something about that just seemed disrespectful.

To the fish, you know?

Probably gonna pierce it, bless it, or bury it in the yard.

Fuckin' hipsters.

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 _ **A/N:** Curious about what Charlie saw? Which part? Let me know in the comments and *just maybe* I'll explain some of this from Jacob or Bella's POV._ ;) _4 or 5 more of these to come, possibly more, depending on the feedback. There's still one I haven't written yet at time of publishing the first._


	2. Explanation 1, BillyThe Pack

Title: **Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for What Charlie Ignored #1**

Word Count: 100

Prompt: **JLo's booty**

 **What Charlie ignored:** _Charlie did not want to know why all those kids on the rez kept getting picked up for indecent exposure._

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Billy looked over the rag-tag band of misfits as they left the police station and climbed into his pickup, heads hung low, towels draped around their middles.

"Anybody wanna explain to me what the hell happened here?"

"We were working in Jake's shop," Paul began, as if that explained everything.

Embry interrupted, "-and it was hot."

"And the beach is only a short run through the woods, Dad," Jacob reasoned.

Quil fidgeted. "We didn't have suits, but that never stopped us before."

Seth blushed crimson, averting his eyes. "We had no idea Leah and Bella were gonna call the cops."


	3. Explanation 2, LeahSueQuil

Title: **Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for What Charlie Ignored #2**

Word Count: **100**

Prompt: **JLo's Booty**

 **What Charlie ignored:** And he didn't care why Clearwater's kid kept flashing him her bare ass every time she bent over in one of those muddy dresses she pretended to wear. Didn't anyone wear good old fashioned panties these days? Or any panties at all?

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Leah pounded down the stairs, checking the laundry bag, the piles of sorted clothes…

Nothing.

For good measure, she peeked in the dryer.

Empty.

"Dammit! Mom?!" she bellowed.

Sue hurried into the utility room. "What's wrong?"

"Have you seen my panties? I swear to god, I just bought a dozen pairs last week and they're all missing again!"

Sympathetic but realistic, Sue asked the last question Leah wanted to hear. "Have you asked your brother?"

Oh, ew… She threw up a little in her mouth. "If that little shit-"

A snicker from the garage caught Leah's ear.

She sniffed. "QUIL!"


	4. Explanation 3, QuilPaulBella

Title: **Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for What Charlie Ignored #3**

Word Count: **100**

Prompt: **JLo's Booty**

 **What Charlie ignored:** _And he absolutely did not want to know why he caught young Quil naked in the woods behind his house with that Paul fella. Charlie didn't figure Paul for that kinda guy, to be honest, but … to each his own._

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Quil reached for his cut-offs to check the time on his phone. Except … he swore he left them right there.

"Very funny, Paul. Ha ha. Where are they?"

Paul surfaced, shaking his head like a dog. "What?" he asked, tapping the water from his ears.

"The clothes?"

"What clothes?"

"Exactly."

Paul looked around the pond and swore ripely. "Billy's gonna kill us."

"You think? We fell for it again!" Quil bitched. "Swan probably carried our shit all the way back to her house. Damn, she's sneaky."

"We just have to avoid Charlie," Paul argued. "How hard could it be?"


	5. Explanation 4, JacobBellaLeech

Title: **Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for What Charlie Ignored #4**

Word Count: **500**

Prompt: **fish spankin' pic,** **JLo's Booty, plenty of booze**

 **What Charlie ignored:** _Which is how Charlie found his fine ass out on this boat, cross-eyed drunk, not the least bit concerned when his daughter's lily-white ass peeked through the foliage as a darker, bigger ass wove in and out of the old growth spruce. Naked tree-tag._

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"Jacob!" Bella poked her head out of the tent, gripping the flaps tightly. "Could you grab my bag from the truck? I think Quil decided to get revenge while I slept." She flashed him a peek of bare skin and pink nipple.

Jacob wiped the drool off his chin before coming to his senses with a start. "Umm… My dad took the truck into town, Bells." He glanced around the campsite. "Your bag must still be in it. Just stay in the tent til Dad gets back this afternoon."

"Jaaake…" she whined, pouting. "I wanted to go hiking. What am I going to do inside all day while the pack plays in the woods? Ugh."

Jacob had a few ideas… He sidled up to the tent flap. Bella slapped at him. "No!" she hissed. "Someone will hear."

"They might," he agreed. "But they didn't say anything last night." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Jacob." Frowning, Bella tried to express her displeasure. "I am not having sex with you. My dad could come back any second! I want to hike! Give me one of your shirts." She pouted prettily and batted her lashes.

"Aw, come on, Bells…" he wheedled. "You don't wanna hike."

"I really do."

"Fine. Let's go." Unzipping the tent, he reached inside to the tune of Bella's shrieks.

"Jacob!" she snickered. "All I've got is a pair of wellies and my mac! I can't hike like this."

"I'll take my shorts off and leave 'em here."

Draped over his shoulder, Bella quieted.

He snorted and slapped her ass. " _That_ got your attention."

Smiling, she gave his butt a squeeze. "Okay."

Later, they weaved through jurassic-looking ferns, Jacob lifting her over roots and boulders crowding the path, copping a quick feel as his hot hands slipped under her mac.

Squealing every time, she'd twist out of his arms and bolt ahead, working up a sweat. Eventually, it caught up with her. She swiped a flat rock off with her sleeve and unzipped her mac to sit on. Water sloshed over the tops of her boots. They were full of rainwater and runoff from the forest.

Helpfully, Jacob whipped his shirt over his head and knelt at her feet. Tugging each boot free and drying her foot, he kissed her leg from ankle to thigh. She sighed and leaned back, arching her hips into his warm lips. And for a few minutes, she really enjoyed that hike. Until she felt a pinch on the other leg, high on her thigh.

"Jake?" She scrambled to sit up.

"No big deal, Bells," he promised. "Just a little leech who caught a ride." He held it up, blood pouring from its gaping maw.

Her blood. All over her leg. And in that thing's mouth.

Jacob stuck it in her face and smiled.

Bella did not. She took off, screaming, "Keep that thing away from me!" as she darted through the trees.

Jacob couldn't resist. His wolf loved to chase, especially a naked Bella.

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 **A/N:** _So ... should I write the last one - the fish and paracord story or can you guess how it happened? Let me know your theory in the comments. I know how it goes. I'm just lacking the proper motivation to get it on paper this evening._


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